a piece by Sam Auditore
dear diary, again
In 1964, when Supreme Court justice Potter Stewart was asked how he would discern if something crossed the line into pornography, he responded “I know it when I see it.” Well your honor, I could not relate less. For me, the world is my erotic oyster. Like a pre-teen pubescent boy, nearly anyone and anything can ignite my white hot passion. In today’s sexually inundated society, where everything from commercials to cereal boxes can be considered soft-core porn, it’s nearly impossible to avoid getting lost in the heat of the moment. To try and fully document this perilous journey I’ve been on, I rank here the top ten unexpected pieces of media that turned me on this week.
10. Home Mammogram pamphlet
I’ll start off with a softball. After a routine doctor's appointment I was offered a pamphlet on home self mammograms. While I appreciate the doctor’s consideration of my health and advice on self screening, I did not appreciate the way that colorless, line-art woman with shockingly shapely breasts stared into my soul.
9. “Gas, Grass or Ass” bumper sticker
First I pondered the conversion rate of gas to grass to ass. Then, I daydreamed about making love to a sweet and worldly hitchhiker. It’s 1969, and he just returned from a stint with the Peace Corps. He needs a ride into town, and wouldn’t mind a ride somewhere else as well. Then I remembered that it’s the 21st century and picking up hitchhikers isn’t exactly safe.
8. Steve Buscemi Thirst Trap
After hours of scrolling through Instagram reels, one of note popped into my feed. A video edit of Steve Buscemi in scenes from his various movies, set to “The Hills” by The Weeknd. I never knew a man with eyes that unhinged could make me feel the same way.
7. Monster energy
In the throws of Covid quarantine, I once received a dick pic. But not just any dick pic. A dick pic with a reference value, just so I knew exactly how big it was. The reference of choice? A 16 oz can of monster energy, held aloft next to the aloft phallus. I can never look at a can of monster the same way.
6. Shakira’s “She Wolf”
This fantastic song has been making a comeback recently, and I’ve been listening to it like there’s a gun to my head. Most especially the part where Shakira does two quick in and out breaths in succession. There’s just something about her out of breath gasps that make me wish she was making those noises because of me.
5. The Capitol building
In just the right light and right mindset, our nation’s great capitol looks like an upturned breast. I would have added the Washington Monument to this list, but it seems a little too on the nose.
4. Chinese finger trap
If fingers are sexy, and handcuffs are sexy, then what can be sexier than handcuffs for your fingers?
3. Novelty Light Switch
In the bathroom of a dive bar, rather than a regular light switch, they had one of the novelty outlet covers. It was a barely rendered outline of a man, and the light switch… well… you can guess the rest.
2. The song “Monster Mash”
He was working in the lab late one night? His “monster” began to “rise”? The ghouls (sounds like girls) all came from their humble abodes to get a “jolt” from his “electrode”?? Sounds like an orgy to me.
1. The phrase “Hidden Valley Ranch”
Going to the supermarket is hell for me. Every time I see a dressing bottle or seasoning packet, I can’t stop thinking about a completely different “Hidden Valley”